Pieces...

Pieces. A person... Whole as such but crumbles within. All along he thought it was the external circumstances that lead to his fall but the toxics came from within... Was he sane? He asked himself numerous times, for so much that he could not remember. He's a thinker, a victimised thinker. A sufferer of the toxics from his very own mind; the gift that has led him up there and simultaneously dragged him down here. It is inevitable that a person with a good mind thinks too much, perhaps it is why many "geniuses" ends up with a fatal suicide attempt. Not saying that he is an intelligent boy, but it was that faint amount of IQ that was poisoning his very own emotions. Never did he realised the toxic came from within, he requires a liberation but all that he seeks is an external cure when the external was never the cause for his internal bleeding. He is hurt, by his very own being. 

Egos... Expectations... Perfection... 

The different forms of pollutants of his mind. Beginning with ego, he equalised himself with the things he has. Little did he realise the expiration of things, of human labels, and of course... relationships. And then he had expectations, of himself, and others. He wants to succeed without knowing his limits are little, he wants to be noticed, yet not attempting to make a spotlight. His friends are burdened by his demands, and so is himself. And everything else came to one word... Perfection. It is his motto, his goal, but there was no perfection in this world, simply does not exist, but he seeks blindly. 

Today, he has deeply trenched himself into a pit, so deep... It is almost impossible to escape now... Keeping sanity has become part of his daily task, which proved challenges with each passing day as the toxics accumulates in increasing concentration. 

It is only a matter of time before this ticking clock comes to an end, either with a supernova and does off or compacts into a dimly lit white dwarf that has no significance in whatsoever. 

I pray, and I pray hard, for a liberation, an understanding, and a better mind for I......... am him. 

You can't win

You can't win, not with an egotistical ass with a strong opinion of his own, he's right, he's the fact, he's the best and he's the kindest of all. His action speaks the righteous, his attitude marks the society moral, and his achievement marks the highest human civilisation.... What else can you say around people with such closed-minded, egoistic, self centred attitude? Nothing, but that was the beginning. Now these people has found a way to evolved to a way that they can never loose, never let go of finding every mistake of your, every flaw, every crease in a perfectly smooth surface. That's their hobby, their dream, their passion, their life goal... to bring you down. 

In their presence, even the biggest fruit company may be at fault, the most well programmed game is faultily downloaded into your phone, you are wrong, and even when you agree, you are still wrong because you have that "attitude"... Attitude of what? Agreeing with you? I know I am just letting you win to avoid argument, but it seemed it is not enough, you need a complete response-less cadaver lying in front of you, voiceless, expressionless, completely succumb to your power, that's what they want. So? Give them! 

It is them who are trapped in their tiny world of self, overpowering  everyone around them because they are the highest of the highest form of perfection in human species, what are you? Nothing in their eyes even when all facts sides you...

You will always be the one with the attitude when he didn't even thank you for bringing the histology book all the way from the lab. Their way of repaying you? A vicious shout of mockery for disturbing him in his mid of dota game. 

You will always be the one at the wrong side of fact even when the author of the book sides you with a perfectly black and white written statement.

You can lend them things and it it's like returning an asset, but when it is vice versa, you are treated like a thief who just stole a bun from a bread house out of hunger.... You are filthy, you are repugnant and you are cheap that way... Cuz they are too expensive to deal with.

You will always be the one be with the faulty devices, broken promises, broken everything, what are you? Nothing... Then? Be nothing in their life, why do you need to prove your existence in a person who has no space to see others but themselves?

Just step out of that tiny confinement and maybe you'll find a larger space in other friendship. 

＂色＂字头上一把刀

人类为何总是在预料后果的同时却还抱着希望？就算结果已明显，我们却不肯放弃那一丝丝的希望，却也是这些小小希望，把我们捆绑在煎熬里。所为人心如无底洞，怎么填，到最后还是填不满。 

我以为它或许不同，但我错了，以为能分配时间给朋友和情人的他，还是不存在。我很失望。 

是否世上情侣都只会陶醉在爱河里却往往放弃了身旁的人和物？你要知道，你人生不只单单绕着你伴而行，而是顾虑了你生旁的所有人，亲人，朋友，同事等的角色。虽说情伴是陪你一生的人，但你能只活在你情伴的影子下吗？跟何况的，你能永远保存这段感情吗？ 

若你想法单纯，我不怪你，毕竟天生愚蠢的你不会了解。只懂得用＂心＂做事，让心情带动人生的你，我都觉得可怜。

你今天选择爱情，弃了友情；我祝福你，希望到头来你能证明我的说法是错地，若你不能，那也好好保重吧。我的友情是永远的，尽然你不要那就别找我，只求你那单纯，傻气，恼少根筋，阿婶，心里变态的女朋友是超级所值地。

P.s I am not "small gas" as you mentioned. please understand my frustration after a long period of study, wanting to look for a friendly chat but you asked me to "go away..." 

The change....

She the marched down the lane as I strut up towards the chamber of secrets. Crossing paths, we exchanged expressions and feelings; while she must have felt neutral, the fiery flames burned within my heart, reaching an almost feverish pitch....

From time to time i still wondered how could someone have such sudden change in attitude? Perhaps a slut ghost possessed her body? Or maybe a prostitute virus infected her brain?  

She looked so innocent and dressed so decently, yet who knew she had a vicious desire of devouring every man in the batch? A bitch? A slut? A prostitute or miss desperado? You name it! I do not understand the sudden transition in her character for she shown none externally but in within.... She's a fierce fox. Not a month ago she expressed her feeling towards a man, only to be rejected by him, today, another victim fell onto her hands. It was almost vivid that she told me she had no intentions on relationship after the reject, but there she is today, bitching around with her hands exploring men's thigh (and probably higher up) in a public library?! I feel almost utterly disappointed with her and myself. For which I overlooked the very most basic principle of society; never judge a book by its cover. 

My victimised friend was almost indulging himself in her soft toxical touch which I must say... She have got good skills, perhaps the frequent practice? 

She was once a friend I shared secrets with, only to be separated by the utter repugnant stench of her douche and vaginal juice that ooze out of every orifices on her body, and the stinking smell of her female hormone squeezed out of her rotten ovaries that initiated her female "instinct"... 

I hated her not because of jealousy, but of her uttermost bitchiness... A slut.

The silent cry...

The din of noises rises to a high pitch, as mocking voices disrupt the stability of my spiritual peace,

and at the same instant sinister of friendship began to protrude allowing the society to once again show it's ugly but truest form... 

My remedy of heal is nothing but tighten schedules of library visits and the flip of pages through my anatomical reference which is my silent teacher... And true companion she is... 

Busy-ness... A drug I took to keep myself from focusing on the tears that are at the brink of welding up my eyes, a distraction to the lacrimal gland that is activated with by those unending cortisol productions... 

I am drained, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, but only to realise.... It's just the beginning...

Day 42

Day 42: it's been more than a month  since my arrival in India, things became more mischievous as time goes, the night falls faster than usual as the yellow moon shines only dimly with a deep pinch of redness over its majestic incandescent... It's bleeding... Just like me, bleeding in the entrapment of a dark country; and racistly... I mean literally dark country..... 

People are becoming malicious, with backstab, gossips and rumours that spreads faster than SARS... 

Syllabus are turning mischievous and miscellaneous as they grew heavier with time. Pre studies is now pre historic and almost impossible to revive while catching up with revision is almost as hard as trying to save an extinct prone animal

But I am still standing... And stronger than ever... Knowing these troubles will shape me into the perfect model of a doctor that I would be in future. 

lost in dreams....

Tiredness paralyzed my conscious body, but it costs when it drain the energy of the brain... the centre of perfection and excellence...

i came with a dream and a hope to score well, as well as fulfill my need for perfection. i realized it's almost impossible, let alone getting close to it.
Just today, tiredness and drained mind due to post PBL session had my brain "cramped" of thoughts and as well restricted my ability to think...
Oh how have i performed stupidity at my best...
to have connected, miraculously, ketogenic&glucogenic amino acids with purely glucogenic acids...
Not to mention there already was a slight sensation of regret for reading too much over a subject that i have missed and forgotten the basics of the chapter... stupid.... and yet the basics are the one that are being tested.
was my perception of a doctor needing to know much wrong? or is there a more shallow differentiation of being a doctor? that we actually do not need to know that much? is gaining knowledge somewhat wrong? painful?
nevertheless, it was hard getting through the fact that i did not score very much well in Anatomy exam because i was reading too much into details... but it seemed i am repeating the same mistake. At this point of life, i do not know which to choose, curiosity and along with thirst for knowledge or fulfilling the need of my perfectionism...
the first 3 mistake found on today's mishap was already hard to swallow, only to found out the further FOUR silly mistakes that WASN'T suppose to happen ( but it did anyway.... stupid )
perhaps i have gone cuckoo with examination marks and performance... and had dwell too deep into egoism... and became thirsty in proving my significance in the class... i am lost... i am lost...
how can i keep up with my "wants" with my ability limited very much by the lack of intelligence that i was born with? i ain't a genius... but is it wrong wanting to be one?
i have gone too far only to missed the very most basics... same in studies, similar in life....
i am lost.... in a desert of my deep desires...

Ambiguity...

Cranking sound and cacophony of the elevator had a chill run down my spine as though my life were to end in that tiny confined space with a bunch of people with horrible stench collapsing onto my body, i could not imagine if i were to die in an elevator accident, would it be a fall or suffocation? as i extend my foot onto a breathable ground, the lights are flickered along the hallway as silence crept around; the route which I have frequent to get into my tiny personal space which lacks privacy. The hostel couldn't lack much, not even a little paranormality is out of its inclusion of a yearlong of prison stay... Or should i say haunted imprisonment? As though the university rules aren't strict enough, procedures are heavy enough and of course, the annoyingness of certain lecturers ghostly enough with their funnily high pitched voices lurking and vibrating atmospheric air in the lecture hall...

I always say it's a price to pay for a better education and indeed it is, but is it worth the pay? Or have I paid too much? Exchanging my freedom for mere sake of "education"...

It became harder as the loads of books and syllable contents piles, pre-studies soon became revisions that as well became an almost impossible task to corporate with... Presentations and exams and presentations and exams and its just the beginning of a horrible lifeless journey in MBBS...

The air here is filled with dust that suffocates the lungs, tears the eyes and dirty the clothes... The weather is an imitation of how an oven works or probably we're just god's play... It is inevitable, the night falls faster than usual over here, while the stars maybe bright, the dark could be scary... The traffic does not settle at night with blare of honks and rings of bicycle bell polluting the serenity that was meant to present; at least that's what I thought.

The food was good but all too well makes a person swell... Indian delicacy maybe a paradise, but the cholesterols aren't very much satisfying or what i intended to pay for. Things are cheap but all too cheap make my wallet deep, budgets are out of controls as I was busy studying that I do not heed to plan my proper budget; instead I went spending like a rich prince. 

Acquaintances and batch mates are kind; friends are awesome and are well defined. However, nothing is perfect, and there will always be that one person that so happen to be your class rep and is utterly annoying and bossy and somewhat an imitation of Eminem or Oreo which you accidentally termed "Oreo bitch"

 or that certain argument that somewhat you are pulled into unintendedly, even when it was unrelated...

Silence crept along the hallway as I entered my chamber, preparing for slumber silently as I wish not to offend the nosey neighbour of low intelligence. Of which his mother must have lack a gene within the womb when the zygote formed, perhaps that explains his idiotic and imbecilic perception that sensual noises or pornography were emitting from my empty room while I was preparing for a examination war over in the library... Of course it must have affected his mouth as well as it began to speak gibberish and low minded speeches of how I have view pornographic material to the chief warden( another similar patient) whom did not bother to ask the accuser to check the vacancy of the room before they decided to invade my little Internet privacy...

The library is awesome with books and ppl that are concentrating much, but the silence may kill... As though it has not already given me hallucinations over the hostel of figures and depressions when I was asleep... And what's better? A library that lacks the definition of a library, complete and well developed but useless when it only serves to be a public museum of books... Here, we read not books but specimens that must be left within the compound... meanwhile they might as well pray it with joystick.

Darkness crept faster in India, but they were seen in daylights too! In daylight, they speak of funny English and lack communicating skills, possibly that's how they decided to use the head shook body language to conclude everything in aid of communication...

I came with a dream, only to be rethinking over the robbed of my freedom within India... My serenity raped by useless beings that serves to be troubles, and my peacefulness disrupted by the low-ness of the locality that somewhat refuse to modernise with the era, and the people that refuse to civilise with time...

I am trap by my dreams and I want home, but I couldn't..... At least not returning in failures... 

rose of yesterday....

Love's a rotten rose,
with stenchful smell that permeates the air,
the brown dying petals that pollutes eyesight,
the briefness of beauty that was portrayed,
a meaningless attempt,
a beginning that was meant to end...
in a rancid death.
 

Seasons of love...

The first was spring, she was the beginning of everything. With her, i realise the meaning of love, how it felt, and how agonizing it is. Her blooms of beauty were blazing, captivating and awe-inspiring. She would be the petals of fresh picked flowers dangling with the breeze around me. However, like all flowers, they never live forever. I moved on with a broken heart once i found out she already had someone.

But hopes never let me down as years later i found my winter. Cold as she is, cool as her expression, she was warm. She started out as a friend that grew into a gruesome winter storm that has no ending. The snow maybe beautiful, fun to play with, and pretty much attractive, but any longer connection sends you off to an awful break of influenza or worse, hypothermia. She never knew how i felt, or perhaps she does, but this series of forbidden love have no way to continue. As hard as it was, the coldness of winter has forced me to froze my heart.

Quickly, i found my summer, she was warm, she was sunny, and she is cheerful. Spending time with her is probably the most cheering experience in live. She has a smile that could light up the day, but as sunny as she is. Things could burn into flames if expose to heat for too long. She became dangerous, she became a sinister, but the craving for endorphins were high which end up in a series of heartaches with ignorance. It was a lesson to learn...never play with fire.

finally it was autumn, she seemed like the final, the ending, a final closure to the love story in my life, her autumn breeze were chilling, not too hot neither too cold. There werent any flowers just dead leaves which probably may turn into humus that could nourish the next generation. She is pretty, she is caring, and she gives good advice. Sure she have some attitude issues, but then again, who doesnt?
It seems so perfect with things going into one piece. However, dreams are still mere illusions, hopes that could never realise. Her perfection certainly does not deserve a low life like me, especially with long periods of time that i will be abroad. But that wasnt the kill switch. My heart died a lil when i found out she had a crush on someone else.

自以为。。。

别以为你伤得了我的心, 因为你不再拥有它。
别以为你灰得了我的笑容,因为它从不为你而挂。
别以为你是我的一切, 因为我的世界不只只有你。
别自以为,因为你不知道的事还很多。

Emotional vampires...

他们无处不在, 也无缝地融入了社会。他们并没有尖锐的虎牙,却能吸光你身上的正能量。他们也没有催眠述,却能迎起您的注意,把时间与金钱费在他们身上。他们有生命却是死的,依靠别人的笑容,时间,和正能量维持他们的具体。吸光能量后,剩下的就是受害者半死半活的灵魂和虚弱的身体, 大难不死的生存者也将被他们感染而变化成同类。他们是谁?
这就是社会里的吸血鬼。
或许,你我已经是一只了。。。

WORTH (值)

How many times had we hold on to the thorns, for the sake of rose's brief beauty?
How many times had we stand in the rain, just to wait for the rainbow?
How many times have we hurt ourself for brief happiness that doesnt last and unpromising hopes?
Idiotic much.

有多少次我们紧握着那带刺的玫瑰, 只为了那一刹那血红色的彩?
我们曾不是站在雨中忍受着被寒风和雨滴吹打,为了的就是想看那一瞬间的彩虹吗?
忍着疼,背着痛,追求那根本不值得的美色,紧握着那根本不可能的希望。。。
傻瓜。

sunrise

no matter how dark the night may be,
how deep the dark had cast you into,
no matter how dimmed the sky maybe,
how the night has eaten your soul....

the day will brighten....
the sun will rise....

Let it go.

你不时的起诉那带刺的花,
却不肯松开双手。

你连续挣扎着想松绑自己,
却一直拉紧绳子。

你很想遗忘掉过去的伤痛,
却还重复的提醒。

你连夜的哭喊那心里的痛,
却又不肯放开它。

你想身旁的人了解你自己,
却还隐藏着情绪。

Thats just me.

Things have always been hard,
I have been thinking too much,
But its just too much,
It is only matter of time before i breakdown,
But i couldnt... i cant,
Being strong is not a choice for me,
Especially when i have so much ppl who thinks they know me but ens up doesnt,
i've tried silence,
i've tried cheerful,
i've tried ignorance,
but what am i now?
More confused than ever?
Even that became a question now.
I didnt ask to be born with extra sensitivity,
i didnt ask to be fated with realistic ppl around me,
and i definitely didnt ask for a huge ego,
i did not blame god for his gift,
after all, i wasnt born in a broken family,
i still have friends who cares,
and i led a healthy life,
not to mention that lil intelligence that have gotten me through schools and college... Without too much difficulty.
I do not understand love, but i know i love my family.
I do not understand relationship, but i tend to be arrowed by these annoying flying baby angels.
Its not that i want to expect, but love and expectation seemed inseparable to me, and who am i to blame that its never the best of both world? God?
Nahhh, he has given me quite a lot.
No confusion, i love what i have, though i would like to have more, and i AM working towards it, but i do.not blame the upper powers for what i didnt have.
Why is it so painful then? I do not know myself.
How the hell i can forget everything yet kept the memory of a person reminded in mind every freaking day? I do not know.
I've told myself i doesnt care, i've told myself let it go, but i never could follow my own words, perhaps those are hypnosis, they may work... But for a while.

i did not want to be strong, i want someone to rely on too, but whoooo?
I too wish to be born like others, where they can just click those dumb dota games, sing a few song, drink a few shots and gets over things. But i am not. I am born with a mind, undisciplined, out of control.
I get jealous, i get insecure, and yes i realise those are qualities of the female race, but i didnt ask to have a mind like theirs. People say boys only get depressed on either money or girls, Me? Haha. Countless.

I am kenneth lee kern yen, i am who i am, i cant change who i am, but i can learn to live with it and improve.

Over...

落幕了吗?
那以下影的笑容,
那以结束的剧情,
那以过时的情感,
那以关上的心门。

Colours

Life's a garden with explosions of colours,
pearly white fences that marks the beggining, then it follows with blazing myriads of colours of the daisies, where the littles marks the beauty.
Follows, the ruby red roses, marks the mids of the garden, where the fiery colour portrays the lusts and romance of a young adult.
Then, the colours lighthen up to mixtures of tulips that bombards the beautiful features of middle ages, some still red, several blue, and the remains were just white... Few trees mighty trees, guarding the rest.
Further within, stands the graceful sunflowers, its wide petals, huge faces, marks wisdoms, experience. A huge flower but bears no extent life span than a tip of a grass.
Below, were few dandelions, protected by the enormous faces of the sunflower, while slowly waits the breeze to bring its seed to a new garden, a new beginning.
by the end of the aisle of the garden, sits the very individual that we are, old, unable, struggling to reach balance with no more but a stick.

A fading shade of colours that had turned grey, waiting to darken black...