Much more than that...

How many of a times have we foolishly wasted our time malingering around our negative emotions? Wastin our days hiding in bed sheets or stuffing ourselves with sugary "cures" or sips of alcohol and approach the death touch of drugs just to ease the "pain" we perceived ourselves to be suffering? 

We let emotions grab hold of us and allows it to destroy us down to nothing and then blame the entire world for it? Isn't this sense of self pity utterly pitiful? Especially in the eyes of the third world country, where citizens are getting through the days with sickness, actual physical pain, hunger and thirst. In the time of real suffering, would we care about this little bit of self torturing depression? 

I decided to find out my answer by fasting in the month of Ramadan, my experiences comes to a shocking conclusion even to myself, a person who dwells so much into self pity. Hunger aside, the constant thirst is excruciatingly painful, I could feel every inch of my body dehydrated, my skin dried and warm unable to homeostasize the heat as I no longer have enough fluid to sweat, my eyes were in constant pain as my intraocular pressure begun dropping, to an extent, I do not even have any salivation causing my entire oral hygiene to resemble the cleanliness of a dump. 

Then it came to me, an epiphany, I did not even have a second to think about the the bullshit emotions that has been troubling me for the past 1 year. 

My body was in a state of struggle, placing survival at the top most priority. 

So as to say, what is true pain? We complained so much of depression and have research showing its similarity to physical pain, endless MRIs, Paychological reports and millions of surveys, in the end, what does it really proves? 

In the face of true pain, the fear of death, the only pain our mind could perceive remains, since the beginning of evolution till date, physical pain. 

So why do we allow an non existence pain to detiriorate us into suffering a true pain? We allow ourselves to dwell in emotional depression and let it destroys our future, wouldn't that made equivalent to self suicidal ? And those that committed suicide because of the inability to comprehend emotions, isn't that just a waste of life? 

Happiness is a state of mind, and the mind is only what we allow it to become, before we dwell in emotions, before we allow it to destroy ourselves and brings about true suffering... It is only ourselves and ourselves only that could pull us out of self pity. 

Because if a child could smile and play in the rain, why can't we shine our own light through the dark clouds? 

我并不是天生爱寂寞，却比任何人都多

你似乎忘了我也是人类，

你忘了我也有情绪，有感受，

也许一件平淡的事对你而言并不显著，

但那可以是我一星期的折磨，

我愿意诉苦时，你却嫌我爱做作，

我也许情绪化，但你曾记得您自己需要人陪的时候？

别忘了我也会有低落的时候，

也许比普通人来的多，

但我也是人类，必要时，我也需要人陪，

你却忽略了这点。

我也有泪水，也有伤感，

你说我爱情绪化却没看见你忽略我存在的事实，

你说我爱做作却不记得你自己低落时的样子，

若你不愿把我拉近，为什么当初却把我当兄弟看待，但在开心的日子过完了，疯过了，才把我堆进苦海里？

。。。

。。。

可是那就是社会，觉得你不一样的我或许天真了一点，我不会怪你，

毕竟到最后的。。。

人生还是自己为自己开发的路。。。 最了解自己的人还是镜子里望着自己的人。。。 

An empty pillow case:

The soft touch of the silky intervening threads, the softness of the cottons that filled it's hollow sacs... 

I remembered hugging tight of the pillow at night where it gave warmth, where we shared our bed times together in a loving embrace. 

But nothing lasts forever...

I remembered when we were close, where I hugged it almost every night, through sadness or happiness, we never part, but nothing lasts forever... 

The significance of where it came from was the solid reason as of why I still feels the pillow's presence even when the reason had died out, the memory doesn't. 

It's softness reminds me of a body I used to hug, a person I once treasured, it brings memory, no matter how sour things might have became now, it never failed to sweeten my nights with those silly moments I treasured, but nothing lasts forever... 

I thought I would own it forever, keeping the memory alive in my head every night... till it became clear that the cut I initiated, was intended to be clean... Seeing my belongings returned, I could not help but to pick up the hints that it is clear that there is no longer any bridge between us, not even a pillow... 

There it stays, an empty pillow case, wanting wear, yet stays hollow... Even the slightest memory that I wish to retain has vanished....

Things I learned ~

1) Humans can't be trusted but it's damn easy to play with their minds.

2) love hurts but friendship is fun

3) ppl are gonna play politic, overrule the king.

4) have expectations, but only on yourself 

5) keep it simple

6) life's a cycle, one moment you're up, the next you're down, enjoy either. 

7) what's dead, let it be dead... Why bring back a zombie apocalypse?

8) ppl do change, so move on. 

9) whatever happens, life still goes on...

10) trust no one, not even the ones you love.

11) peace follows when you no longer need to live dependant on people. 

11) love cannot be found where it doesn't exist, there's a difference between patience and wasting time.

12) Ppl are the way they are, If they don't like you, no matter how much you do, you'll keep getting back to square one.

13) sometimes it's not you, it's them.

14) have no expectations

15) trust no one

16) do not ignore the sour facts, repeat them over and over to remind yourself that you're done with it.

17) never let logical sense comes second. 

18) be clear on what you miss, the person or the memories you had?

19) get a grip of surrounding situations for best preparation (eg. Dress codes) 

20) as the adage goes, 人比人害死人，keep improving and one day you'll be where you want to be.

21) time heals 

22) achievement is best focus on concrete stuff.

23) we love being in love, not the person. 

24) ppl never really change, you just begin to see who they weren't....

25) give it or take, ppl can only change 15% the rest is tolerance 

26) even when the world collapse on you, rmb there's a warm home you could return to... That's the sweetness of family 

27) ppl do not really discriminate, they just doesn't necessarily enjoy your presence.

28) when meeting new ppl, form your clique within the first month.

29) internationalise your talent when you still can. 

30) time is a bitch. And bitches gonna bitch. 

31) 人不为己，天诛地灭。

32）一仗成功万骨枯。 

33）心有多宽，路就有多宽，心能放下，才能得到更多。

34）Yes, the rose rots by it's own, but should you condemn the rose for wilting on it's own because of the unforgiving time or because it wants to ? 

35）moments in life are just so brief, if you're gonna spend time depressing, worrying and angering, you might just miss it. 

36) none of the theories of life you learn matters unless they come to a balancing point...

The Zombie we are...

It's funny how ppl are so enthusiastic on zombie apocalypse. How different is it now from the movie maniatic zombie apocalypse? The only difference being, instead of munching of brain parenchymas, we feed on human hearts. 

Now give it a thought, since the beginning of a new era, love blooms in purity, flourishes many lives with wonderful memories. But as in the movies, there will be a few patient zero that are infected with viruses. They crawl out from rotten wombs, and damned themselves to infecting others. 

Instead of cannibalistic viruses as in the movies, we have these corpses that were born with extra milligrams of hormones surging through their brain cells. Instead of aggression, they have lust. 

They come into your life, preying on your heart and waiting for their chance to rip it out. When they finally grab hold, they disappear into no where which soon starts hunting when the hunger strikes them. 

They leave you broken, rotten and lifeless. Now how different are we from a zombie apocalypse? We infect one another by ripping out true love and the innocence from one another. We damned ourselves into searching more victims to infect and creating more lifeless souls. 

How different are we from a zombie apocalypse actually? Especially when all we are are nothing but walking bodies that no longer has emotions. What's worst? We seemed to culture our young ones into believing criterias in relationship than treasuring love. 

So why plan for a zombie apocalypse when you're already one? 

Pieces...

Pieces. A person... Whole as such but crumbles within. All along he thought it was the external circumstances that lead to his fall but the toxics came from within... Was he sane? He asked himself numerous times, for so much that he could not remember. He's a thinker, a victimised thinker. A sufferer of the toxics from his very own mind; the gift that has led him up there and simultaneously dragged him down here. It is inevitable that a person with a good mind thinks too much, perhaps it is why many "geniuses" ends up with a fatal suicide attempt. Not saying that he is an intelligent boy, but it was that faint amount of IQ that was poisoning his very own emotions. Never did he realised the toxic came from within, he requires a liberation but all that he seeks is an external cure when the external was never the cause for his internal bleeding. He is hurt, by his very own being. 

Egos... Expectations... Perfection... 

The different forms of pollutants of his mind. Beginning with ego, he equalised himself with the things he has. Little did he realise the expiration of things, of human labels, and of course... relationships. And then he had expectations, of himself, and others. He wants to succeed without knowing his limits are little, he wants to be noticed, yet not attempting to make a spotlight. His friends are burdened by his demands, and so is himself. And everything else came to one word... Perfection. It is his motto, his goal, but there was no perfection in this world, simply does not exist, but he seeks blindly. 

Today, he has deeply trenched himself into a pit, so deep... It is almost impossible to escape now... Keeping sanity has become part of his daily task, which proved challenges with each passing day as the toxics accumulates in increasing concentration. 

It is only a matter of time before this ticking clock comes to an end, either with a supernova and does off or compacts into a dimly lit white dwarf that has no significance in whatsoever. 

I pray, and I pray hard, for a liberation, an understanding, and a better mind for I......... am him. 

You can't win

You can't win, not with an egotistical ass with a strong opinion of his own, he's right, he's the fact, he's the best and he's the kindest of all. His action speaks the righteous, his attitude marks the society moral, and his achievement marks the highest human civilisation.... What else can you say around people with such closed-minded, egoistic, self centred attitude? Nothing, but that was the beginning. Now these people has found a way to evolved to a way that they can never loose, never let go of finding every mistake of your, every flaw, every crease in a perfectly smooth surface. That's their hobby, their dream, their passion, their life goal... to bring you down. 

In their presence, even the biggest fruit company may be at fault, the most well programmed game is faultily downloaded into your phone, you are wrong, and even when you agree, you are still wrong because you have that "attitude"... Attitude of what? Agreeing with you? I know I am just letting you win to avoid argument, but it seemed it is not enough, you need a complete response-less cadaver lying in front of you, voiceless, expressionless, completely succumb to your power, that's what they want. So? Give them! 

It is them who are trapped in their tiny world of self, overpowering  everyone around them because they are the highest of the highest form of perfection in human species, what are you? Nothing in their eyes even when all facts sides you...

You will always be the one with the attitude when he didn't even thank you for bringing the histology book all the way from the lab. Their way of repaying you? A vicious shout of mockery for disturbing him in his mid of dota game. 

You will always be the one at the wrong side of fact even when the author of the book sides you with a perfectly black and white written statement.

You can lend them things and it it's like returning an asset, but when it is vice versa, you are treated like a thief who just stole a bun from a bread house out of hunger.... You are filthy, you are repugnant and you are cheap that way... Cuz they are too expensive to deal with.

You will always be the one be with the faulty devices, broken promises, broken everything, what are you? Nothing... Then? Be nothing in their life, why do you need to prove your existence in a person who has no space to see others but themselves?

Just step out of that tiny confinement and maybe you'll find a larger space in other friendship.